Warning; This entry may be triggering for some people & I’m not sure how vulgar I’ll really get.. So ahead of time I’m letting you guys know this now.

Firstly, I never wanted to share this story. I never thought I would be strong enough to share it actually. Years have passed and its come to the point I need to, for myself really.

This entry that I’m about to write I have only spoken about publicly once and that was on the #WhiteIsh podcast. I feel as if I needed to share it on another outlet for those who may need to realize so many people go through what I have & others have. As much as it hurts and has been hurting me lately, I needed to let it out.

Okay, so what I’m about to share is my testimony about being raped. Yes, I was raped when I was going into 10th grade. This is how I lost my virginity.

Today was one of those days where you just have a ball of random emotions and you’re like.. Why? I’ve been really sensitive for some reason and I haven’t been quite able to put my finger on it. Then I sit back and reflect on what I’m really feeling and I realize it’s not everyone else, its me.

When I say its me I don’t mean that these feelings haven’t been caused by other people. What I mean is that I AM THE PERSON that is allowing these feelings and other people to get to me. For those that know me, I am very sensitive. I’m not perfect, not one bit. I will forever and always admit that.. There are just certain actions that I expect from others because I know how I would treat them myself.

With all of this being said I still blame myself for the emotions that come with the way that others treat me, why is this? It’s because I still allow people who hurt me in and out of my life. I seem to think that just because I went through bad experiences that I will always make smarter decisions moving on, but its not always the truth. If it was the truth I would easily let those that I tell “I’m leaving this alone, I’m letting this go” actually go. I don’t though. It confuses me.

I’ll never forget the feeling I had once that door opened.

It was like someone had taken  my entire heart and tore it open in that instance. You know that feeling when someone says something that your heart DROPS into your stomach and you feel like you’re about to throw up? Yeah, that was me.

It was the same female that my ex had told me NEVER to worry about. You know, when your man hits you with the “Ew, Hell no.” type of reaction.. It was one of those. Don’t get me wrong, that’s usually the reaction you’ll get when your man is cheating.. BUT when you Love someone you want to believe it all.

Since the day I started to release my writing publicly I have prided myself on real life stories. This comes with lessons, experiences and even embarrassment. I’m here to show others that life is not always going to be perfect and I’m here to advocate that even the worst that you are going through, someone else is going through the same thing too.

I can’t be fake and start this entry off saying the relationship between my Mom & I has always been the best. It hasn’t. I can’t ever say it’s been perfect and I won’t lie and say I think it will ever be. That’s not realistic. In truth, it’s not even possible because unfortunately like my mom has told me all while growing up.. We are too much alike.

With that being said, we both have strong personalities. You won’t catch either one of us stopping until we have the last word & you won’t ever see us hold our tongues..

For anyone.

Yesterday, for the first time ever, I did Yoga.

It took about two minutes for the instructor to bring me straight into my zone and let all of my emotions be felt. It was like something took over me once she began to speak.

She said something along the lines of “Put your hand on your heart and think of all the positive things that you want for yourself and the people around you.”

Automatically I got emotional. I’m one of those people who feel from my heart to my toes. When I think of the people that I care about it brings so much joy and love to my heart. It’s a genuine feeling where I truly want everyone around me to WIN.

I just wanted to make a quick post about the “Dangerous game of love.” I’m sitting here watching the Soul Train Awards and 112 is performing. I absolutely love R&B, especially old school R&B. Whenever I’m in my feelings or going through something the first thing I turn to is writing & music.

As I just heard the song and thought of the title it reminded me of a conversation I had earlier with my sister. I was telling her how its so hard to come by a person that doesn’t cheat anymore. This goes for women and men. It seems that both sexes are very hard to trust nowadays and there is a few rare amount of people that actually remain loyal. I can’t even count the amount of people that I know have cheated or are cheating in a relationship.