After the “First” Heartbreak

 

Read: Let’s start this blog off with a bang. Now when it comes to social media, real life, I like to keep it as honest as can be. One day I’ll talk S#@! and the next day I’ll have no feelings. I have people asking all the time, who hurt you? What makes you so blunt? Why this, why that. Well let’s say experience really does mold you. I started my first real relationship at 16 years old. I had no idea that almost 10 years later I would be sitting here staring at a computer investing my time and energy into sharing my heart break story with anyone else. There are certain times in your life that you can remember from just the smell of a scent, or the reminder of scenery. All of a sudden you wind up right back in that space, remembering that exact moment.

When I met my first love I just relive it like it was yesterday. It was sunny outside, I just came home from school and then there was a knock on my door. Ever since that knock my life changed, regardless if I think it was good or bad. Let’s push past the petty crush, and all of the stuff in between.. It went from the spending time, to all of the days together, getting close with one another’s family, to becoming one another’s family. I never knew at such a young age someone could mean so much to me. That feeling of “Butterflies” in your stomach is real and I didn’t realize that’s exactly what I was feeling. You never realize how much someone can wind up meaning to you when you’re at the beginning stage of them coming into your life. You never know that at one point this person can “become your life.”

It went from teenage love, to never ending phone calls, everyday sleepovers, even to the point of living with each other. This person who was just knocking at my door a few years ago became the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Imagine that, sitting there looking into someone’s eyes and picturing your entire world with them. That’s exactly what I was doing and at that point, I thought nothing could come between us. Unfortunately it seems to be the times you feel the happiest that reality and life like to come and smack you right in the face. The first “heartbreak” was the start of it all. I used to always think “Wow, I’m with an older guy. He loves me he would never hurt me.” That’s usually when your life decides to turn upside down and make sure that you know that s#&* isn’t real.

This was all the way back in the AIM days, I received the text like “I’m going to tell you something but you can’t tell anyone.” Now everyone knows this is the one message you don’t want to receive. My heart DROPPED. That’s when I got to read detail after detail of the person who held my heart doing something I never thought he could do. All I could feel were my emotions being crushed, my faith, my world turning into the twilight zone. I never thought something I thought was so special to us would’ve been done with someone else. “He had sex with her, I’m sorry Brittinie.” I remember sitting in my closet crying, and when I say crying I mean crying. Those cries where you feel it never will end. The cry when you feel like your soul is shattering right inside of you. I didn’t know what to do. How do I tell him that I know? I went with the ” GUESS WHAT BABE?! ” Waiting for him to answer I was staring at the screen but waiting for him to say what?! When he finally did, it all came out. “I KNOW YOU CHEATED, HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?”

Of course it started with denial, hesitation of the truth and everything else you can think of.. Then I remember continuing to sit in the closet while he told me every detail, because I told him “I wanted to hear.” With every detail I felt a little part of my heart leave more and more. I never felt so betrayed, so hurt, so disappointed. I will probably never get that part of my innocence back when I think about it. That was the first point in my life where the bits and pieces of my trust that I thought people deserved were taken away from everyone else.

You can’t help what people do to you, you can’t change the way people are. There is nothing that sucks more than the feeling of wondering “Why me?” The first thing I tell people when they share their experiences of being cheated on, their feelings of betrayal is… PLEASE, remember it is NOT you. When people hurt you and break apart your heart the last thing they think about is the way it will affect you in the long run. Whatever gender, it doesn’t matter. The first thing we run to is why was I not good enough, what did I do wrong? That’s the thing, It’s not us, IT’S THEM. I didn’t know what to do with myself, I didn’t know how I could move on and get over this… They say it takes experience and YOURSELF to determine when it’s your time to move on. As much as I wanted it to be, this time was not it. There comes a point in your life that you finally realize this, but this was not the point that it happened to me. I still hurt because my feelings told me it was me. I still cried like crazy because I thought it was me. Worst of all, as much as I felt so hurt and dead inside… I still went back.

Relate: Now this blog should not tell you to go back to those who have hurt you. This entry is to show the young woman and men of this world that even if at times we do feel weak and go back, this does not mean you will never realize your worth. Yes I may have went back at this point, but years to come did I stay? Keep on reading and I’ll share it all.

Notate:  Leave comments below if this is something you have experienced as well.