Now before you start reading this, brace yourself because its going to get sad. I advise you to just click out of this entry if you’re not the type to appreciate raw emotion. Thats exactly what this is going to be.
I woke up a few hours ago because I went to sleep around 8PM. Its currently 3:00 AM as I write this. I was laying in bed and I kept feeling anxious and I know every time that feeling occurs I have to get up. Most of the time when this happens to me thoughts and feelings clutter my brain and I start to lose my breath. I tried to over come the feeling but it wouldn’t go away so I made my way into the living room. I didn’t even put the T.V on I just sat there in my own thoughts with my head clouded.
I started to feel so sad and it drives me crazy when this happens because it comes out of no where. Sometimes I wish I could wake up one day without anxiety and just live life like a normal person. I don’t know what it feels like to just go through a day without having to catch my breath or stop my heart from racing. Anxiety truly can have you feeling like the whole world is crashing down in a matter of seconds.
With that being said, good old anxiety got the best of me tonight. As I sat here trying to overcome my sadness all of a sudden I started thinking of my aunt. I would like to share with you all one of the hardest things I’ve went through in my entire life. Losing one of the women I held closest to my heart would be it.
My aunt, who I know as my Titi, passed away on August 4th, 2011. I was turning 20 that year and even now 6 years later when I think about it I still feel the same. My Titi was in her late 30’s when she passed away. The passing of someone you care about is never easy, but when its unexpected its even harder. She wasn’t sick, no she wasn’t sick at all. In fact she was heart broken which hurts me even more. I’m not going to go all into detail about that but knowing that my Aunt left this earth feeling the way she did kills me inside.
The moment my world turned upside down:
Now for the people who know me, I have the most dramatic family ever. This is probably something everyone thinks at one point or another about their own family, but I really do. Haha. Side bar; This entry might run all over the place. Just stay with me.
Okay so on this particular day my sister and I were on our way to our old best friends house for a night of turning up and drinking. We were all so excited because it was a girls night and we were all going through our own little side issues. I remember sitting in her room and my mom had called me telling me she couldn’t get in touch with my Aunt.
My Aunt has three beautiful daughters. At that time she was living in Brooklyn with her youngest one. So my Aunt was a talker, kind of like me but worse. She could talk to you for hours and hours and LOVED being on the phone. As I’m writing this I’m laughing because that sounds like me. Anyways, she would call my Grandma every single day. The reason my mom called me was because on this day no one had heard from her. Now this was very unusual, but me being 19 and my mom being herself, I brushed it off. They were so worried something may have happen to her and I’m like “Okay mom, shes fine stop worrying.” Not even knowing in about an hour my life would take a turn.
Still thinking we’re about to have such a fun night, we were getting ready to start drinking. I was in the kitchen with the girls when I received another call. This one being the one I never want to get again.
“She’s gone, my sisters gone, she’s gone.” My mom said as she cried. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to believe her. I didn’t believe her. She kept crying and telling me my Aunt had passed away. I never felt such a feeling in my entire life the way I did at that moment. Everyone around me found out the news from hearing me on that call. I couldn’t tell anyone anything. I ran, and I mean I literally ran. I opened the front door and I just couldn’t stop. I broke down. I couldn’t be near anyone. It wasn’t real to me. The only thing I could do was get away. I sobbed and ran at the same time. I didn’t know where I was going but I was going. I didn’t feel anything, I didn’t lose breath. It was like I wasn’t even there.
When I finally stopped I called my Dad. I tried to tell him what happen but he couldn’t understand me through the hysterics. I couldn’t even understand myself. I kept saying “It’s not real, its not real.”
My mom had come to pick my sister and I up which I dreaded. I knew it would only get harder from there. I knew my grandma would be heart broken and my mom would be the same. I tried so hard to hold it together for them, I just couldn’t. I didn’t sleep that night at all. I didn’t even want to be at my house. Everything reminded me of her. Every single part of that home to this day reminds me of her, it hurts.
I remember playing with my Grandmas hair as she was trying to sleep, wishing I could take away her pain. Each one of us were broken inside. I wanted her to fall asleep so bad just so that she wouldn’t hurt for a moment. The thought of never speaking to my Aunt again just replayed over and over. It literally had me sick to my stomach. For days I couldn’t eat or sleep. I felt so guilty. I felt guilty that I was on this earth and she was not.
I would just cry randomly. I was such a mess. Words couldn’t explain the hurt I was feeling. The thought of my 3 cousins not having their mom here anymore baffled me. There were so many things I was trying to wrap my head around. My mother losing her sister, my Grandmother losing her daughter. I couldn’t imagine any of this ever happening.
The only thing I could do to comfort myself was listen to Whitney Houston, Mariah Carey, cry and write. I wrote out all of the things I wanted to say to my Titi. I could have went on for days in that letter, but I knew eventually it had to end. One of the hardest things I ever had to do was read that letter at my Aunts wake in front of everyone who loved her.
My aunt was one of my best friends. She means the world to me. She had the biggest heart of anyone you could ever meet. All she did was care about the people she loved and making them happy. She was so proud of her kids and her nieces. She loved each one of us so much and always showed it. My Aunt had a rough life growing up. She went through and overcame a lot of obstacles that I wish she never had to go through.
If anyone in the world deserved me to muster up my courage to read that letter it was her. I could barely get a word out without crying. I didn’t care that people were watching. All that mattered to me is that she heard what I had to say. I didn’t want to stop speaking because I knew once I stopped it meant goodbye. I never wanted to say goodbye.
People say losing a loved one gets easier with time. I think thats a lie to make us feel better. To help the hurt surpass thinking one day you wont feel like someone punched you in the gut when you think of that person. It doesn’t happen. At least not with me.
I wouldn’t wish the loss of a loved one on anyone in this world. The feeling I got tonight broke me down. I cried like a baby. I cried those cries where you gasp for air because you can’t catch your breath. I’m glad I cried because I needed to. It led me here. Writing this entry at now 3:47 AM.
One thing I know is my Aunt would be proud of me. She was always proud of me and I know she really would be now. I still have dreams about her. One time I dreamt she had called me. I remember in my dream thinking this isn’t real. I didn’t want the phone call to ever end. I wanted to stay on the phone with her forever. I was so happy to talk to her. I was so happy to get one of those long ass calls that I could never get a word in for, just like I used to.
If I could apologize to my Aunt it would be for thinking I had more time. I never expected there to be a day I would wake up and she wasn’t here anymore. The weekend before she passed she asked me to sleep over her new apartment. She was so happy to move there. I know she just needed company. I wish I never said “another weekend.” Another weekend never came.
I love my Aunt with all of my heart and I wish I could hear her voice again. I wish I could just hug her and cry to her. I wish I could let her know how much I love and miss her. I wish I could take away all the pain from my Mom, my Grandma, and her daughters. I wish I could go back in time and have that sleepover.
This has to be the most open I could ever be and most true emotion I could ever share with my readers. As I sit here trying to see the screen through my tears I’m truly happy I could share this because I know someone somewhere is dealing with a loss like I have. I know someone can relate to this gut wrenching feeling and I hope it makes them feel a teeny tiny bit better to know they’re not alone.
For the people who made it to the end of this entry, thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to get a look into what makes me really me. I’m a strong individual but even the strongest people can break down sometimes too. My Dad always told me when you cry it shows you have a soul. Well boy oh boy tonight I know for sure I have one of those.
This entry is dedicated to my Aunt.
Danielle Stiuso ♥ Rest peacefully Titi ♥