I looked around the room as I cried, I couldn’t stop the pain that I was feeling. I wanted it to go away and I was trying so hard to fight it. I was so upset and angry that I wasn’t even focused on what made me that way in the first place anymore. All that I was worried about was what I was going to do next. At that moment all of my hope was gone, I didn’t see reason for me to be here anymore. I searched through my house and all of my cabinets. I found bottles and bottles of pills with different names on them. “What the fuck are these going to do for me?” I was thinking. I had this pain inside that was eating at me. It was like something had come over me that I’ve never felt before. This angry voice inside of me was just telling me “FUCK THIS, BRITTINIE.”
I sat in my sisters room because I didn’t want to be in mine for some reason. I took all of the bottles that I found,threw them on the bed and looked at them. I started googling each name one by one. What was I looking for? It’s like I wanted google to just show me the answer that would stop me, literally. I wanted to see which one could just get this over with the fastest. I didn’t even know what the fuck I was doing but in my head I was so convinced I was going to do it. Too much of anything could kill you and I think that’s what I was going for. One of the prescriptions I found and looked up had told me it could be deadly if taken too many of. I dumped all of the pills out and I was just staring at them.
I called everyone over and over and I swear it was like at the moment I needed everyone yet nobody was answering. I wanted someone to pick up so I could cry to them. I felt weak and vulnerable. I was just telling myself over and over “Nobody gives a fuck, nobody cares.” My cries became louder and louder and my hurt deeper and deeper. I went inside and I poured myself a glass of water prepared to do what I had set out to do.
I didn’t want to be here anymore. I didn’t want to feel, I didn’t want to hurt, I wanted to be free. All I remember saying in my head was “this will be forever Brittinie.” I was so scared, I remember the feeling in my stomach. I kept reminding myself if you go through with this there is no turning back.
“You can’t come back from this, YOU CAN’T COME BACK FROM THIS” I repeated. Part of me didn’t care, part of me was fearful of the end. I was frightening myself by the moment and it was seeming more and more real what I was about to do.
As I laid there crying something came over me and this time I was telling myself “STOP, STOP, IT’S NOT WORTH IT.” Nobody was home and if I was going to do something like this, now would be the time. Deep down I knew that nothing I was upset about would be worth my life. Nothing was that intense for me to kill myself.
That’s exactly what I planned to do and I didn’t want anything to stop me. I knew I had to get up and talk myself out of this. I sat up and I started praying. Continuing to cry I was talking out to God just asking him for forgiveness and to please guide me through this hurt. I was praying for strength. As I was praying I was devastating myself at the fact that I really was going to go through with this. I kept talking out loud not caring how crazy I sounded. Throughout the prayer I continued to feel strength and myself becoming aware that it was not worth it.
I never felt such a feeling over myself where I actually didn’t want to be on this earth anymore as I did that day. I thank God that I was strong enough to over come this feeling although nobody was around for it. The thought of me ending my life over anything in this world makes me cringe. It hurt me even more to realize that some people are not able to overcome suicide.
The reason that I wrote this entry and let out this personal experience is because I witnessed something that really impacted me today. Someone very close to me had a break down just like this and fortunately I was there when it happened. To hear anyone that you love say “I don’t want to be here anymore” and to feel their feelings through their words and beneath their tears is a scary thing. When you feel powerless because you can’t change or control someone else’s actions is even scarier. Knowing you can only do so much.
Just witnessing someone so hurt and seeing someone else get to the point where they wanted to kill themselves made me open my eyes. The strongest people, the people who seem like they have things the most together can even deep down be damaged. It doesn’t take much to break a person when they’ve been so hurt in the past. Instead it leaves us open to the enemy and the devil who tries to tear us down each and everyday.
I truly believe that when we have feelings like this we need to pray, and if you don’t pray you have to remind yourself it is NOT WORTH IT. There are so many people who are not even near lucky to make it to another birthday. Countless people didn’t have the choice to wake up the next morning or survive another day. When someone kills themselves, or hurts themselves they DO NOT ONLY HURT THEMSELVES. They hurt the people who love them and care about them too.
In our moments of weakness we think that “nobody loves us and nobody cares.” We don’t understand that if we really go through with this tragic act that we are thinking of committing that we are killing the souls of our loved ones around us. When people commit suicide their loved ones think of all the reasons to blame themselves. They think of every way they could’ve changed the path of the person or what they could have done differently.
Seeking help or talking to someone isn’t “crazy” or “embarrassing.” Sometimes we need the opinions or the ear of someone we don’t usually confide in. If you ever feel like you need therapy or that you can’t control your emotions or feelings on your own, please go.
I have gone through things in my life where I felt no one could help me and I was too prideful to speak to anyone about MY PROBLEMS. The first time I ever went to therapy a few years back I let out things that I’ve never let out to anybody. I’m a person who hates opening up and within 10 minutes I was crying and opening up to a complete stranger. IT HELPED. I felt cleansed, I felt a release of hurt and pain off of my shoulders.
You are not weak for having a weak moment. We have all had them and there will be more to come at some point in our lives. If you ever feel like you’re not “strong enough” to carry on and can’t take “the hurt and pain anymore” please talk to someone. If you ever hear a loved one say they don’t want to be here anymore, or threaten to commit suicide, PLEASE TAKE IT SERIOUSLY. Life is not promised, another day can never just be expected. We are blessed to be on this earth and we are blessed everyday to take another breath.
Every night I say my prayers. Not everyone believes in the same things and I’m not saying you have to but this is something that helps me. I pray everyday for God to take care of everyone and bless all of my family, loved ones, acquaintances and even my enemies with another day of good health and no sicknesses. This is real and its because I don’t wish bad, even on my enemies.
Everyone has a family, everyone has someone who loves them. Nobody deserves the hurt and pain of losing someone. Take care of the people around you. Support those who need supporting, and love those who need love. If you feel someone needs extra love at that time, show it. Don’t wait to send the flowers when its for the wrong reason.
If you ever need to talk to someone and nobody is picking up, call the suicide hotline. It can save your life 1-800-273-8255.