You are not me.

“I would never do that to them” I would say as my Father just starred at me. I always hated his response. I knew what was coming next and I swear I didn’t want to hear it. “They aren’t you Brittinie.” WHAT THE HELL DID THIS EVEN MEAN?! At that age I couldn’t even think to comprehend how this made anything okay. All I felt was that this was an excuse. I took this as my Father taking the side of someone else who was not me. I remember this hurting my feelings. I couldn’t understand how my own flesh and blood could not understand where I was coming from.

When I tell you this was the answer I received all through growing up, I mean that. I remember family members of mine going on trips together that I wasn’t invited to and me just crying. “Dad I wouldn’t ever not let them come, why can’t we go?” Now at this age it wasn’t under any of my cousin’s control that this was happening but I still felt hurt. Why is it that my sister and myself were the ones left out? What was wrong with us?

This is exactly what I would think. Regardless of the age it seems we are programmed to blame things mainly on ourselves. We try to figure out why this and why that? What did I do wrong? Even if it wasn’t our fault.

I’ll never forget one particular time when my cousins were all going to Sesame street. (Some of them are going to laugh at this because I still bring it up until this day.) Anyways. We were all around the same age, it was 6 of us. Two sisters each. I remember 4 of my cousins were going to take the trip to Sesame street which me and my sister had never been to. We begged our cousins to ask their Father if we could come along, he said “No.” There wasn’t enough room for us. It just so happened to be there was enough room for two other people who were not our family.

Be mindful of the fact I was really young at this time. I woke up bright and early. I peaked through the window as I heard all of my cousins outside. They all waved to me as they packed out the car. I couldn’t ignore the fact that my feelings were hurt. Tears started rolling down my face and I laid down next to my sister. She was upset too but her feelings never really showed as much as mine. That’s my issue, my emotions are worn right on my sleeve.

The reason I tell this old ass story is because this was the first time it meant something when my Father told me “Everyone is not like you, and you can’t expect them to be.” It was just me sitting on the couch saying “You would never not let our cousins come, you wouldn’t do that” when he hit me with that response.

As much as it made me cringe inside that once again I felt like it was just another excuse, he was right. This was about 21/22 years ago and still up until this very day I have an issue copping with this. YES, OF COURSE I KNOW EVERYONE IS NOT LIKE ME. I know for a fact that everyone does not think like me. Everyone is not as sensitive as me, everyone also would not do things the way I would like them to do. It is still so hard to understand the reason “why.”

My biggest issue is that I know how I am, and I know the lengths and the extent that I would go for those I love. SHHH**TTTTT, I know the extent I would go for PEOPLE I DON’T EVEN KNOW. So this makes it so hard for me to swallow when it does come down to it. I am not saying I am perfect. I am far from perfect. I have made many mistakes growing up. I’m sure I’ve done things to people that I wish was not done to me as well. The thing is as I age I try so hard to think of other peoples feelings, and that’s where it seems others tend to lack at times.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people throw in my face what they’ve done for me. I feel like you should never do things for someone if you feel the need to later throw it at them, to me that is not genuine. If I ever say “I’ve always been there for you” in a time of hurt, that is not me throwing it in your face. It is me letting you know that myself, a person who TRULY CARES AND LOVES YOU, who would cross the world for you has had their feelings hurt BY YOU.

When my Father told me not everyone was like me he was 100% right. As much as I hated hearing it and I refused to agree, it was true. The problem is that my feelings get hurt and I don’t respond well to that. If someone does something to me knowing it will hurt me but continues on, that eats at me inside. I love people beyond words, and I promise that I would put everyone I love before myself any day and any time. Unfortunately I have been through things with people where they have in fact forced me to question “what is wrong with me?” That’s what hurts.

When people make you feel unwanted, THAT HURTS. This is an undeniable feeling that almost anyone would have, especially when its loved ones.  I know everyone is different and they may not see to the extent that they actually hurt someone, but life is not just about your own view. Sometimes you have to wake up and view both sides and think, “what if that DID happen to me?”

What if the person you hurt, hurt you in the same way you hurt them? How would you feel then? YES, not everyone is alike. NO ONE ON THIS EARTH WILL EVER BE PERFECT. Just open your eyes people. You never know who’s feelings you’re truly hurting. You never know how you could make a person feel just by your actions. You never know how someone could wind up questioning their own selves just because of something that you have done to hurt them.

Think before you act. Think before you even have to take the effort of saying ” Damn, was I wrong?” Not everyone gets a second chance to make things up to people they’ve hurt. Sometimes its too late. There is always a breaking point, and even the kindest, big heart people have them.

This entry is to help people realize, even when someone does something to hurt you, once again do not blame yourself. There are situations we go through that we have no control of. Some things seem to hurt more than others, we are humans. What you don’t think would hurt you may very much hurt someone else.

DISCLAIMER: I have the best family anyone could ask for. I love my family, and my cousins with all of my heart. Even with the story about when I was younger. This was years ago and it tied into what I was speaking of. None of this entry is speaking foul about my loved ones. I love them all to death. We live and learn from every experience and none of my cousins were at fault for anything I felt.

 

 

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