I just woke up around 4:45 AM due to a butt dial. I looked at the time thinking “Damn, really?” I was just sitting there knowing I have an hour and a half to sleep and I knew there was no way that was happening. I automatically was annoyed and cranky. It took me two seconds to think “Here we go, now I’m going to be tired all day at work.”
All these negative things flowing through my mind bright and early. I rolled over, checked my text messages and then something came to me.
EXACTLY, I WOKE UP.
You know those moments where you hear a song, smell a scent, or feel a feeling and suddenly you’re right back into an exact moment? It’s like a time portal without the time travel. You can feel every single thing that you felt and remember everything that was going on at that exact time. It makes you feel crazy. It’s like watching “That’s So Raven” when you suddenly get a “vision” and for that second EVERYTHING stops.
I had that today. It was like a glimpse into the past. Sometimes these little “Visions” “Time Travels” that we have aren’t always the best. They still have an impact though, which I will get into in a minute.
Something that I have learned is that it takes a lot of experience and maturity to realize the things you need to change and the actions that you need to take in order to change them. Growing up I just have lived life focusing on “what’s meant to be will happen.”
I’ve always just focused on faith only and figured everything will fall into place. Recently that has somewhat changed for me. Now I still definitely do rely on faith in most cases but I feel there’s more that influences the positive and negative things that happen in your life. Now don’t get me wrong, you can be doing the best that you possibly can and negative things can definitely still happen. It’s just something that I feel helps and goes a long way when it comes to the best things in life.
I was given the opportunity to feature on White-ish again last week. Slowly but surely I’m getting more […]
“I don’t care too much for money, cause money cant buy me love.”
When I tell you I was about five years old when my Father literally would have my sister and myself chanting this, ITS THE TRUTH. I was born in Brooklyn where my two parents resided. Long story short they didn’t work out and eventually I moved to Long Island. My mother had wound up being with someone else who wasn’t my Father. This was when I was around the age of four years old. It also meant that me moving didn’t really mean much to me.
“I would never do that to them” I would say as my Father just starred at me. I always hated his response. I knew what was coming next and I swear I didn’t want to hear it. “They aren’t you Brittinie.” WHAT THE HELL DID THIS EVEN MEAN?! At that age I couldn’t even think to comprehend how this made anything okay. All I felt was that this was an excuse. I took this as my Father taking the side of someone else who was not me. I remember this hurting my feelings. I couldn’t understand how my own flesh and blood could not understand where I was coming from.
I looked around the room as I cried, I couldn’t stop the pain that I was feeling. I wanted it to go away and I was trying so hard to fight it. I was so upset and angry that I wasn’t even focused on what made me that way in the first place anymore. All that I was worried about was what I was going to do next. At that moment all of my hope was gone, I didn’t see reason for me to be here anymore. I searched through my house and all of my cabinets. I found bottles and bottles of pills with different names on them. “What the fuck are these going to do for me?” I was thinking. I had this pain inside that was eating at me. It was like something had come over me that I’ve never felt before. This angry voice inside of me was just telling me “FUCK THIS, BRITTINIE.”